Stop Asking Me If I’m “Doing Better”

Well-meaning people often ask someone who is grieving, “Are you doing better?” I’m never

quite sure what they expect us to say. Better than what? Better than yesterday? Better than the day our loved one died? Better enough that everyone else can stop worrying about us?

A cascading waterfall gracefully flows over moss-covered rocks, surrounded by lush greenery, creating a serene and natural oasis.

Some grievers are deeply offended by the question, and I understand why. About four months after my little boy died, I ran into a man on a street corner near my office. He worked a few businesses down from mine and knew what had happened.

“How are you?” he asked.

“Some days are better than others,” I replied.

He furrowed his brow. “Aren’t you over it yet?” I swear to you, I wanted to punch him in the

throat. This man had four children of his own. How could he possibly think that four months was enough time to “get over” the death of my child?

“I will never be over it,” I said sharply. Then I walked against the light just to get away from

him. After that, I never acknowledged him again. If I saw him coming toward me on the street, I crossed to the other side. I refused to make eye contact. His words had hurt that much.

That encounter taught me something about the questions we ask people who are grieving. “Are you doing better?” can sound innocent, but to a grieving person it can feel like a deadline. It can sound as though enough time has passed and we should be returning to our old selves. But grief doesn’t work that way.

We may be functioning better. We may be sleeping a little more. We may laugh again, go back to work, enjoy dinner with friends, or make plans for the future. None of that means we are “over it.” We are learning how to live with a loss that has permanently changed us.

Even the familiar question, “How are you?” can feel hollow when it is asked automatically. Do

people really want to know? Sometimes they do. Other times, they are simply being polite. And there is a difference between polite and sincere. A grieving person can usually tell.

Instead of asking, “Are you doing better?” try saying, “I’ve been thinking about you. How have

you been doing lately?” Or simply, “I know you must still miss them. I’m here if you want to

talk.” You don’t have to fix grief. You don’t have to measure someone’s progress or decide when enough time has passed.

Sometimes the kindest thing you can do is acknowledge that the loss is still there—and let the grieving person know that you are, too.

Be well,

Shirley