What should I say?

A few years ago, I was interviewed for a magazine article about what to say in a condolence card.

Letters of Love and Letting Go

A few days ago, a friend asked me the same thing. So, here's the content of the interview. I hope this helps those who need it.

What are the best ways to comfort someone who is grieving? I find the best way to comfort anyone who is experiencing loss is to be present. That means active listening. Do not offer unsolicited advice. Whatever you do, please do not inject stories of your own or others’ grief in an effort to make the griever feel as if they are not alone in what he or she is experiencing.

What are the most common ways people grieve the loss of a loved one? The ways I have seen grief manifested are sadness (of course). Anger (at the person who died or at God). Guilt is huge, no matter how the person died, because I 'shoulda woulda coulda'  been a certain way or done a certain thing. Insomnia or difficulty sleeping is very common. There is no formula or correct way to grieve. Most people react to death the way they saw it modeled in their family.  For example, if a grandparent died when you were a child, and your family didn’t show emotions, it would be difficult later on to know how to deal with the sadness, guilt, anger, etc. That is when it is best to seek help.

How important are the words you use in your sympathy card or when verbally expressing sympathy? Sympathy cards are important. You want the griever to feel supported and cared for, or you wouldn’t send a card. The biggest complaint I hear about sympathy cards is the ones that say, “I know how you are feeling.” Or “He or she is in a better place.”  Just tell the person you are there and willing to listen anytime, day or night, and that you can help with errands, chores, or whatever else they need. Then, I would add, “I will call you in two weeks to see HOW I can assist you.” Then, be sure to follow up.

Be well,   Shirley